by Ifeanyi Awachie
I see you Rose Period out of bed
You flirt with the mirror
All good hair day, all confidence
Bright as morning
I see you early to class
That question about Picasso? You got this, I see you
Chalkboards ringing at your touch
Satisfaction swinging in your hips all the way back to your seat
I see you after class, life of the dining hall
All Champagne throat, words bubbling up and spilling just faster than the speed of the conversation
I see you stoking their laughter
You laugh brave warmed by the admiration flickering in their eyes
You walk fierce, Amazon-tall
You stumble and write forgiving letters to your missteps
Later, you’re back in front of the mirror—still a tease
You’re alone and smiling, diary in hand
Lines and lines of melo-tragic narratives turned sentimental nothings in this happy ending afternoon
I see you recasting everything as beautiful: roly-polys, life, you
I see you Blue Period back to bed at night
Today, I saw you peak too soon
Left waiting for the next miracle that never winged its way down
I saw you post-anticipation, wasted by the always waiting. Grades, mail, boys.
The lips collapsed into a quivering line
The infant crawled into your voice and face
I saw you cry shy, hiding it even from the mirror I see you always hiding it
You try to talk yourself out of it
You offer promises like I’ll never set my hopes so high again
I saw no peace treaty
I saw you giving in
Violent, wordless submission
How much you hate this hideous life and you hate this hideous you
I saw you self-assess—your work, your art, all meaningless
Dark lines under bad words in your diary
I saw you sham happiness, self-doubt wallpapered with a cosmetic façade of content
Smiles hung from your jaw with clothespins
Days checked off on autopilot
I saw you mouth ‘fine,’ throat thick with not fine
You won small wars, found the right syllables for someone else’s blue day
But you swallowed swords for every time you stumbled into class late
I saw you do violence to the last part of yourself that you could hold up
You will wake
Clear sky eyes
Gray clouds in the distance
But you always liked this shade of pink
Stay here awhile
